What ever you do,
don't panic!
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
(it's a big ocean, carve it up)
Remember these guys?
From Melbourne Australia about 1995
Bass on Keys! and the song still Kiks
One Liners and Quotes
"The point of the journey is not to arrive" Rush
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." Jack Benny
"Changes aren’t permanent. But Change is." Rush
"And you can learn to LIVE with love or without it
But there ain't no cure" John Hiatt
"I was looking for something else, then I found it." Dad (after finding lost car manual)
"The meaning of life is to find your gift, the purpose of life is to give it away." Joy J. Golliver
"always fighting the storm,
buildin' shelter to house our lack of love
we're only here for a while,
tear it down and suffer the wound"
Ed Kowalczyk
Live!
Lighten up Dude!
Disclaimer:
If there are two ways to take my words, always assume I was after the cheap laugh.
He/she who laughs last thinks slowest!.... LoL.....Ooops
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
All generalizations are false.
I'm not into working out, My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
The statistics on sanity are that one in every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
As Homer (not the Greek) would say, I like those odds :)
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: Cause they’re worth it
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted.."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Man sat looking at his marriage license
wife says “what are you doing”
Man says “looking for the expiry date”
Oldie but a Goldie
Internet Help Desk
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”
Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”
“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”
God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
The wizard of ID
Had a car crash this morning
The other driver was a dwarf
He got out and said ”I’m not happy”
I said “which one are you then”
Safe Practice is the Best Practice
Daughters 18th birthday present
Very Nice ;)
I call her a week later..........
Miss: err.... Dad got something to tell you
Me: Yes ( brace yourself )
Miss: Don't be mad
Me: Of course not sweetheart what is it (maybe its not that bad, maybe she just needs money)
Miss: Something happened to the phone.............
The dog ate it
Me: What! ( #*$$^&*& )
Miss: it still works
.........//long pause//...........
Me: OK.... send it back ill see if i can get it fixed
Here it is
Its Repaired and only $110, onya Nokia
Guess what! ! 1 week later, its broken again.
How about you ask your Mother when you need a car. LoL
Luv Dad
xoxoxoxo
Be warned...gets a bit Rude from here on in
still ....a good laugh
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm
Q. How do you make your husband scream when your having sex?
A. Call him and tell him where you are.
Q. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
A. Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
Q. Why do they call it PMS
A.
because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Settle!....... one more each..... Ha!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Cause pissing in the bath is disgusting.
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she asks.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues,
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?’”
“I remember that, too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
“I would have gotten out today.”
HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today the Broncos lost. At least I got laid.
BEST PICK-UP LINE
An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and
looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The Aussie explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'’
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We’ll you’re gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that’s all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mountain Dew. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay…you’re already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces; you name it. We’ve even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I’ve never played pai gow before…
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don’t mean …
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It’s okay! You’re already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
Devil:
So… are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!
An Act of Charity
A wife arrived home from a shopping
trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should
hear how all this came about..."
"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking
tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the
roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed
so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they
had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your
birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly
good, but too small for you now.
Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else
your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end
to it by arousing his jealousy. “What would you say if I told you that
I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.
“Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”
Jack and his friends were playing golf
one Saturday.
As they are getting
ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.
The friends
look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.'
About two holes
into
the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.
So
they ask him.
The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh.
The guy
says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it
everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.
So Jack decides to check
it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is
a rifle with a huge scope attached.
Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW!
I
bet I can see my house through here! May I look?'
The hit man replies,
'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can
even see
through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's
my next
door neighbor! And he's naked too!'
This really upsets Jack so he asks
how
much it would be for a hit.
The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time
I pull the trigger.'
Jack
responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my
wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand
it. Second,
I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around
with
my wife.'
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get
really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for?
The hitman replies,
'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'
The wizard of ID
Men are NOT mind readers.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it, that's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 5 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.
- ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what the hell mauve is.
- If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS or SPORTS.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep in the chookhouse again tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
And my all time favourite......
Anything you dont understand................... is trying to f**k with you
:-)))))))))))))))
Never Fails
Most of the content here has been sourced from the net over many years.
All good intentions, hopefully something gave y'all........a smile ;)
Worked for me!
Good Winds
Brian
c'est la vie